Last night in Zimbabwe some bums looking for worms to eat found something entirely different altogether: A mummified alien body. It appears to be one of the green/greys but has strange markings and holes like it was a chia pet. Surmising the same thing, the bums dumped some water on it, hoping to make it more palatable before they consumed it, which promptly brought it back to life somewhat and it flopped off into the night. Later reports this morning spotted it crossing a major highway 20 miles east of the discovery site. This news has made the illuminati reptillian aliens and the green/greys very uncomfortable, though no one knows why. One of the bums reported it smeling like black licorish and potatoes. No one is sure how this is relevant to anything.

Alien-Goblin Update.

Our unit have intercepted communications from the green/grey aliens back to the reptillian illuminati aliens here on Earth. They are heavily encrypted but we believe that we have recovered the main points.

It is understood that the green/greys have reached their ATM machine that is orbiting a star in the Sirius sector. It appears though, that in their desperate rush to get there that they have forgotten their PIN number. To recover their pin they have to use their intergallactic telephone banking system, but the distance to their nearest branch means that they will have to wait there for about 2 weeks before they can access their funds.

In the meanwhile the undead goblin armies are rapidly building their forces. It is suspected that they may have already stolen the mother of the "Mutant spawn-to-be" and replaced it with a pregnant clone. The reptillian illuminati aliens are considering a lawsuit against Ebay, for allowing a forged item to be auctioned on the site.
The reptillian illuminati aliens are reported to have stockpiled a large quantity of macaroni using their "work for macaroni at the wholesale price" plan at Kraft factorys worldwide, but the supply is diminishing very quickly.

The most interesting development is that the goblins appear to hate the green/grey aliens so much that there could be an all out war between them before they get around to dealing with trying to take over the Earth. The story is that even though they are so closely realated and almost genetically identical, that the green/greys are the survivors of the original goblin/fairie wars. When they originally escaped from earth, they were despised by their goblin kin as being "gutless traitors" and "deserters". They are now absolutely loathed by the reanimated undead goblins. The green/greys have the tech, but the undead goblins are stronger. Also any weapon developed by the green/greys to fight the undead goblins will be just as harmful against themselves because of their nearly identical genetic structure. The undead goblin armies are now lying in wait, hoping for the return of the green/greys as soon as possible so they can exact the ultimate revenge against their "deserter" kin.

This situation was apparently foreseen when in a lucid moment a Realized Monster gained access to the much renowned "Akashic Record". Details of the prophesised situation are included below.


The situation is becoming more difficult to control everyday as intelligence agencys around the world are trying to develop a plan to contain the spiralling problem.
Ideas are still welcome on 1800-FBI-ALIENPLAN
For any sightings or any possible information;
Contact the units infoline on 1800-SAW-DAGOBLINS

Next update when available.
Vivid

There are no current updates on the Alien-Goblin situation as yet.

However our units infoline; 1800-SAW-DAGOBLINS has been flooded with reports of single undead goblin and undead goblin army sightings. The latest sighting being a report of several busloads of undead goblins arriving at the now closing Rochester headquarters of Hilary Clintons election campaign. This was reportedly followed by deliveries of several truckloads full of duct-tape and flares. It is presently unclear what the purpose of the duct-tape and flares are, but it is thought that the undead goblins are attempting to set up an intelligence base and war strategy center there.


In the absence of any updates, I would like to thank readers for their support of The Paranoid Times magazine. Since its inception on May 1 we have already sold well over 500 copies to our readers, with many valuable contributions from our members. I take this opportunity to thank members for their articles and confidential information supplied to myself.


In Other Stories.

It has been reported that a Vampire recently placed one of his kidneys on Ebay for auction. After much consideration INTERPOL decided that laws applying to average "mortal" human beings also applied to Vampires as well, and forced Ebay to withdraw the offer. It is unclear whether the Vampire in question is a member of this forum or not.

In Congac-France there are leaks of information that an Old Mansion has a multi-dimensional roof. This roof is purported to open up "portals" or doorways to new dimensions and realities. We had one of our reporters question the owner of the property who is a highly skilled and highly regarded carpenter in the region. It is currently unknown whether the "roof" in question was pre-existing or actually "constructed" by the owner. When questioned about the multi-dimensional nature of the roof, the owner simply replied "Are you really aware? I mean, are you REALLY AWARE?" when pressed, our reporter was dismissed with the statement "In your dreams buddy! In your DREAMS!!".

More reports and Alien-Goblin updates as they come to hand.

Vivid

Thankyou Mr Carter.

It is excellent  to have someone of your standing take an interest in this dire situation for the whole of our planet. Our unit has tried to contact coast to coast, but were told we were paranoid, pranksters and hoaxers, or both, then they just cut us off. We have consulted our quantum computer, the Waveform Array Teraflop Station Omni-Nodal computer, we just call it Watson for short, and it gave us the somewhat cryptic answer that when we have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. As you would recall, earlier in the thread, the illuminati reptillian aliens and their mono-atomic gold mining operations were discussed. It is your expert knowledge of mono-atomic gold that could be very useful in overcoming the threat to Earth.

For people that have limited knowledge of Mr Carter, mono-atomic gold and its properties, see;
http://www.coasttocoastam.com/shows/2004/02/09.html

Our unit is most interested in "how" the reptillian Illuminati use mon-atomic gold for their mind control machines, and if you can suggest any possible ways that we can protect ourselves from the effects of these machines. For instance, one example is that they have made us think that macaroni cheese is a "cheap and untasty" meal instead of the culinary delicacy that it actually is.

Any "classified information" can be sent to our unit through the confidential messaging service.
Thanking you again Mr Carter.

Vivid

News Update.

Alien-Goblin update;

Intercepted communications have been de-encrypted and it is understood thet the green/greys have recieved their new PIN number. However they will still be orbiting the star in the Sirius sector along with the ATM machine for a while to come, as they forgot to change their daily withdrawal limit. It is thought that they will be stuck there for another 2 weeks until they have withdrawn all of their available funds. Due to this slowdown in the situation, the alien-goblins on Earth have extended their national holiday and ceasefire for another 2 weeks.


Multi-dimensional roof update;

There is a lot of confusion surrounding the current situation in Cognac/France. The unauthenticated report leaked to the suggestion box is still unverified, so remains unworthy of publishing in The Paranoid Times. One of our units investigators has been to the house in question looking for substanciated information, the house was found to be roped off with quarantine tape but there are no people in sight and the area is surrounded with farmyard chickens wearing berets'. It is unclear if this situation has anything to do with the multi-dimensional roof and our investigator is continuing to search for credible information on the matter. He is currently being hindered by the chickens demanding a steady supply of croissants and the fact that his car has apparently turned into a billy-cart made out of milk chocolate and candy cane wheels.


In Scientific News;

NASA has lauded the success of its $US 500 Billion project, and claims to have shown that asparagus can indeed be grown on Mars. The alien-goblins are keeping a close watch on the information as they believe that one day they will have the technology to create a food for themselves out of asparagus, lessening the demand of macaroni in the future and possibly help to prevent mass starvation of the alien-goblins in the future due to the macaroni crisis.

More news as it comes to hand.

Vivid

Multi-dimensional roof update:

While chaos and confusion still surrounds the situation regarding the multi-dimensional roof in Cognac/France, unprecedented demand placed on The Paranoid Times for up to date information has forced us, perhaps prematurely, to release the infomation we have on hand at the moment.

The unauthenticated report mentioned in our last edition has in fact been verified, except for the rumour of possible star shortages around the world, which currently seems to be incorrect.

A copy of this leaked report is included below.



Our investigator on the scene, talking to a local, a well dressed Polar Bear in the local pub, has found that the "vortex" mentioned in the leaked report is actually a "dreaming spire". Apparently it is still under construction by the owner of the roof in question, and has not yet been stabilised in the planned but still to be constructed containment field. This is causing wild gyrations of the "vortex" or "dreaming spire" and is the cause of the 5 star general being "sucked in" and then "spat out" as the strawberry filled croissant. No cannabalism charges have been laid as yet.

Our investigator then returned to the mansion in question in his milk chocolate billy-cart to try and obtain more information about the farmyard chickens wearing berets'. Unfortunately it seems that all of the chickens have mysteriously disappeared, although a brigade of Bunny Rabbits shouldering AK47s have been very helpful in helping our investigator hop around the place looking for clues. The last we heard from our investigator was a mobile phone call from his number, all we could hear was some pecking noises on the mouthpiece, later decoded as morse-code for SOS. This is a good sign, as we at The Paranoid Times believe this means that our investigator, a special ops commando trained in survival skills,  has found the chickens, and while they may be in some form of trouble, at least they have been located for now and we are sure our investigator will be able to help them.

That is all we have for now.

Next update when available.

Vivid

Multi-dimensional roof update:

It seems that the chaos surrounding the mansion in Cognac-France has just been too much for the owner and his wife. They have reportedly been seen leaving the mansion in a flying yellow submarine. Apparently the pressure has been too much for them and they have gone away for the weekend, leaving the whole of Cognac in complete disarray.

We have not heard back from our operative/investigator as yet, but have had more contact with the chickens.
They have been calling from our operatives mobile number using the "pecking" morse-code that we recieved on the first call.

This an excerpt from our latest translated conversation;

Chickens: SOS I need help, please get here asap.
The Paranoid Times: We are aware of your problems now, but we are sure that our operative can help you.
Operative is a chicken.
No he is not, he is a highly trained special forces commando, he is not afraid, he can help you.
I cannot do anything, I am trapped in a farmers chicken coop now.
Listen, we understand, but we really need to speak to our operative, can you put him on the phone?
I am on the phone you stupid b*stards, come and help me!!!
Look, we know you are on the phone, but we cannot help you unless we speak to our operative.
I cannot speak you idiots, I am a chicken.
Exactly, that is why we need to speak to our operative, please put him on the phone.
Just you wait till I get back you f*king stupid c*nts, I am going to shove that f*king phone right up your arses. You stupid bunch of idiotic morons, I'm going to f*king kill you, you b*stards!!! Death #&%($( &( (otherfu%*($ sh%#)^ )unts *()_%$%()*%^* fu%*))%%^&$& cking*)(*^@%^$#@% bast get you %$^(%$ %^** unts and fry y#&(*%#*(^()^% sh*tfull (%**$$*($$& turds^))^)^*(%$^* kill *&$#%^ $#*therf*klwit$olwit@ f*clwit%%#@#die%&*^$#&  you ( **%4
beep, then the line went dead.

The Paranoid Times was unable to decipher the end of the chickens message, but to summarise;

It seems to be difficult to get the chickens to realise that we need to speak to our operative, however talks with the chickens will continue and The Paranoid Times is very hopeful of re-establishing contact with our operative soon.


Top Secret Operation News.

The Paranoid Times is getting closer every day to finding the pure lost black crystals of Atlantis.
The source of our information and location of the crystals is classified, confidential and top secret.
So unfortunately we can reveal no detals.

Vivid